Sometimes i would stare blankly not knowing what is going on in my mind. It's pretty scary cause it can happen anywhere, be it at home or outside.
Once it just happened while i was crossing the road and some car horned at me. Idk what more will happen next. Although i would no longer slid my wrist, even the temptation is there. I remembered i promised i would not do anything stupid when someone close to him committed suicide.
First day of school is okay. Cause i managed to submit a rather last min ______proposal which is compulsory to all lvl 3 students.
Awesomeness is when i return to school on time. But the journey to school wasnt that great. Huge urge to text him. Knowing i shouldnt take this first move at all. It's not about pride and ego, its something personal. Sometimes it feels like im back to the state where M and i just broke up those agony that i faced.
although i know, he moved on and most probably already in love with someone else. it doesn't help killing all the feelings i still have.
alright. affect me more. give me more emotions to be trash.
you know, i've always been hoping. while we was still an item that it'd be there. but.. never. therefore i took mine down. hoping you to realise it. never happen. i know, im kiddish to have sucha mind set. but it does prove sth more at times.
ok. just need to rant. shall get back to my logo thingy. finished the two story board panel sketch. hopefully can get that job. so i have income coming in. and it's quite a good money. since i think 10 drawing? hopefully it meant 10panels. HA! im an "artist" now. BLA!
All of us are not in our right mood yest. everyone is feeling so sad yest. after work, sophia came down look for us, i think im almost gone... but after puking dunno wad out. i think is drinks? idk cause, i forgotten to eat my dinner yest. i drank on an empty stomach. April suddenly misses neng. sophia suddenly was so upset too. so am i. it feels so much like the days when we was in BKK, we, went emo tgt. supper on the couch.
i miss those days. i would wake u up middle of the night telling you im hungry and we went to grab food for my hungry stomach. i miss everything about you. sometimes, i wonder, where do i stand. why im so easily influenced. no not influence. just not firm enough.
i cant wait to leave singapore. i feel like going bkk right after my phuket trip. money isn't the issue right now. just that. i didn't want to spent and not earning. esp wk days are my commitment. aura, is like second home. i think my dad would really kill me if, im gg bkk. cause it would mean that, im traveling 3 times in a month. GAH!
WORST IS.. i haven't tell him about my HK trip.. i didn't evens say about my phuket trip. HAAHAHA.. totally pawned.
had a great awesome hair spa yesterday with sophia at cookies and cream. it was great. totally allow me to rest enough.
i feel so much refreshed. although there's stuff that make me upset, demoralized, some emotions hidden, i slept thru all. woke up at 630 by myself. without alarm. did some tito's work before heading to school.
Passed by the station.
Passed by the petrol kiosk.
Passed by that route we walked that day. 3mths had passed. im stil here.
Had a talk with samantha after class after mt and belle went off. we stayed back in school initially we wanted to do our work. but ended up. she stopped and talk. so we ended up pouring everything out without doing anything. =.= it's actually quite weird as we wasn't even close before in ite. i think she almost like hate me then, as i was always not in school blablabla. i think most of all are those "incidents" hahaha..//
i told her. warned her. but she went ahead to book the ticket. -.-" now she's in a dilemma to go or not to go. I told her faster get know to someone who is there. so at least she wouldn't waste that almost 400 bucks ticket. GAH!
i think that humans only remember the bad times instead of the good yet mentioning only the bad instead of the good. our actions are not what we should behave. but you don't know me well to know what we've been thinking. what went thru e mind. which are the stuff im joking. and which are not. have you even tried reading? things i didn't say didn't write doesn't mean i didn't think never think or never went thru my mind. it's just like, i don't say unless i am able to do it. im not a empty words person toward some stuff.
sometimes, outer context don't show. just like the outer self is jus an empty shell. a mask. whatever you call that. Fake?yes, i am.
i need a new escape. soon. i need to run. i need to hide. this pain is killing.
It makes me wonder, how would my life be, if i've never met you, or if you never message me on facebook asking me to "surrender" my number to you. or perhaps you did not text me at all. i guess i would still be around R? and still be that bubbly me? although im still upset with the stuff that is bothering me then, i was near to fine.
maybe, I wouldn't feel so fake everyday now. maybe me and her would have be good friend like how we used to be. now, i just wanna get away from everyday. and everything.
how would yours be?
it can be a short chapter, but it can be a long paragraph. he's my longest paragraph and you ended being a chapter. pardon me, i dunno what am i writing anymore.
anyway saw a post and i don't get what's wrong nowadays. it's all money and money.
again and again.
with all those you get your short happiness. are you happy?
sometimes, i seriously hope i didn't live in this era//
flipping thru my old organizer of "our marking"
no it's not old. it's just. couldn't be complete... and it should be completed in march. but. stuff are mostly blanks alr. remarkable. Unforgettable.
i actually had something all along just you and me.
and nth else in it
bought it just for that.
when we were at artfriend.
when i saw that.//
it's hard and tiring wearing a mask almost every single day//
