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Jenny Copyrighted (c)
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‚ô• Monday, May 07, 2012
dont know whats my frigging problem.
it seems that ever since ________ incident, i change to someone even i myself dont know.
feeling really tired.
been avoiding the thoughts of him floating thru my mind. and i been doing well till last week.
feeling hurt all again.
was so drunk on sat. and i cant remember how or when. i remember calling jason. cause before that i was texting with him. i cant remember did i go hm myself or did sophia send me home. -____________-"
and i fall aslp at my corridor just next to the lift. till jason came and find me. this is damn bad. and i cried like dunno what when i saw him. -.-" i think he was so shock that he dunno what to do also. then funny is. i cry finish i went hm and slp he was like -.-???
why am i so scary. ):
i dont feel happy and ive already forgotten what's being happy felt like.
i wasnt this way in the past. what have i become?
went to my granny place again. And i ask my cousin to ride me down as usual. horridly, i think of him and those days... i don't know what's wrong with me seriously. why can i just get over him like how he just get over with a snap?!
this year i did the most stunning stuff ever, i actually sang?! when i told sophia over the phone last night when she called she was like "OMFG JENNY~~~!!" cause i actually accompanied her to kbox before and i sat there and look at here sing like a retard for 2 hours (i think). and i actually took the mic yesterday and sang with my cousin?! I think im just too upset.//
my outfit. like i said, decent looking cloths.
my younger cousins. we used hang out together in the past. close friends of mine would see her before and, drinkings friends might see him before.
That act fierce dog. cookie.
There's actually another huge dog but... i didn't take photo of it. cause, he was scaring the shit out of me. he just barked as and when he like. luckily he's in the cage else i think im in the hospital now. that wan was seriously crazy.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST... That's B, met up with her after her dnd at my bro place:
oh did i mention she snored?! she actually snored like nobody business. LOL
i can't rememeber everything that happen in that dream but i know that song was playing in my mind when i woke up with tears. WTF. first time ever in my life. i could never believe that dreams could make us tear.
funny that.. it was the song April, Sophia and I kept playing last year while we are in bkk..
been quite long since i played this song. I guess the last time i played it was.. last year count down in bkk. i remember there's fragments of images in my dream. but i couldn't remember what is in the dream
sometimes, i felt that.. i've been having this suicidal sleep. although this is rather normal for me in the past to sleep more then 15hours a day.. but this time... it stretched up to... more then 24 hours. i can sleept thru everything unless i have the intention to meet my sis or gfs. else... i wouldn't be awake.. very unhealthy. i don't know what is going on anymore. i'm mentally and emotionally drained. everything seems fine so fine like it used to. just that im not.
was thinking should i get back to nightlife to work the other day. yumiko called me a week back asking me if i want to work at 98. i think for a very long time. hesitated. and i did actually went down to have a look but.. i didn't give her any reply cause partly, it's like finally i get out of it and, I know at this state i would get drunk easier and faster then usual cause, of my intake of food. I had became so unhealthy. sometimes, one meal in two days would make me bloated and feel like puking. although i did gain back weight those days when i though im feeling better.. but.. it didn't last.
talked to Jessey yesterday. wanted to try to help J and her. but.. the more i hear the more i felt torn and despair.. to a point i stop talking to her even it's when i initiate that chat. That situation is almost like me and him, just that there's less complication. J told me it might be just used to it and not love anymore. it made me felt so sad when i heard it. almost what "S" told me. and i remember i broke down at home when that i recieve that very text. I still remember how painful was that stab. remember that, i even asked myself. was it that im used to it therefore i couldn't let go? thought for very long period of time. talked to wins (this was all before i felt that he's psychotic) about it before. in the end, i though im used to it as well for a few days.. i felt so much better and normal routine started to come back.
but... something happen which let me know, it's not because im used to his company. then everything just went back to starting point. He once said, if i don't know why did i love him this much in the first place, feelings would just go one day and we will just get hurt. but the problem is. this feeling never seems to go. how i hope i actually know why. other then the past mr nice that he was. i find no reason that i would love him this much.. sophia said i was obsess with him just few days back and she don't get it as well. neither could i. therefore i stated out both his positive and negative. and being realistic it would be impossible for me to be this obsess with him. being optimistic, there would be tons of reason. but.. im not a optimistic person. I'm a rather complicated person. i go with my own logics even if i know it might be wrong at times. I love reasoning to myself with all the negative points. therefore most of the times im not contented with what i had, i would envy others. but. end of the day, i am still glad. just that i never like to show it out. SO, I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY. ):
They said once you had your fun, you will slowly forget about the unhappiness and sorrows, but it did not happen to me.
They say, letting the person go and if that very person come back it would be a meant to be. but... us, it was never a meant to be. I used to tell myself, we will pull thru everything. when though i whine and bitch about things im not contented with. now.. i had to tell myself i must pull thru this. this emotional wreck, the guy i love, is dead. i remember i used to tell myself this. he's dead. and others would just tell me i would be better without him. but, sighh.im not better seeing everything, it's more like he's better off without me.
it's ironic when R actually contacted me few days back asking for a meet up. I no longer want to stay in contact with such person. even i know, i used to like him. that number 1022 which made me used to think that we are so fated.
saw Nat fb and decided to read that chapt she posted which was psalm 23:4 since it've been quite sometime since i took my bible out..
Even i walk thru the valley of the shadow of deeath.
I fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me (NIV)
and i saw a photo hidden within pages of my bible. that happy faces that was being capture just simply let my emotions took over again. not that i never look thru those photo we used to take. just that. that particular photo trigger all my feelings out once more. days ago i feel better and i though it fade a bit. or im numb by it. but no. i guess i was lying to myself. i just doesn't want to admit it that. i still do love him.
i know im contradicting. everything just seems like yesterday when you and i, just met, just spoke, read the bible together giving each other verses, those happy textes.
that picture was somewhere at the book of James.. my eyes just eyed on this straight..
what causes fight and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? (James 4:1)
for a long moment. i paused. Just few days back, Jason and i was talking about the cell group we attended together 10 years back. cause belle started the topic by saying "jenny, bless me ok?" im like thinking, im not God or saint how do i bless you. she continued saying "but, you are a christian right?" a complete silence that moment before i said.. im a backslider. then i added, "Jason is also a christian right? brother"
Jason said straight in my face.. "No, I'm not" -______-||
Just moments ago i was just whining that sophia finally felt that she's in love and partly i felt happy. suddenly it just happen that i felt so crushed. so crushed. after all the bible, verse, songs, everything.
That's the manager of phuture, at times, i would ask for lighter from him... cigg from him. -.-" what else.. force him to drink. and... heny was super funny... she actually tried to scare him. she called me telling me "ask mj they all come velvet lounge leh" while he was smoking beside her.. then.. LOL he quickly stop smoking and the next thing i know is he is at our table again. that's 2011.
this 2 are leftovers from mj birthday in sophia camera which she just uploaded..//
why am i stuck in sg? ): need a get away..
B is so funny. we actually went Jason place on 2nd day of new year. cus we met up since she's at west side. she called me since 8pm. due to taking care of sophia till morning that day. i couldn't wake up totally. slept all the way till 1am. and then i saw a miss call from unknown num. and it's her. -.-"so end up. she accompanied me to eat almost finishing she asked where are we going she's bored.. cant think of any place around this area at 3am.. so i text J he was on the way back and ask if wan drink, therefore we headed to J place. and she chose to drink vodka pear. and... ended she got drunk with it.. cus she said she've already been drinking since 8pm while waiting for me to call back. she seriously can nagg.
THATS HER WALKING in a very sehh way.
did a very cunning move.. i'm the one who drank up all mixer. =/ therefore the 5 cans of ginger-ale finish faster then expected.
im afraid to drink cause i hate dramas which i don't remember. and i hate the fact that trying so hard to stop thinking about you is even harder when im not sober.
I started to feel, actually he don't know that he has actually changed he whole attitude towards me. it's almost as if, everything is being pushed to me jus because of my "job". a job everyone feel it's indecent. i dont know why, he have to really bother about what people said or how he actually feels when actually, it's the only source of income that could earn... and with my busy schedule of datelines from project in school. Especially, i started not being able to understand more.. when that day, he say.. "you should know i can't settle down...etc"
seriously, well. i don't know. i told jason about it. as i wanted to see how a guy opinion will be. he said my job is very WTF and not decent as what most people would feel. after telling J that he actually told me in text he cant settle down, J was wondering... if he cant settle down, he actually still wanna bother so much about my job. actually i started not to uds too.
adding on. from what i've told J about his mum would text him saying stuff like if he's gonna be hm late at least inform.. when it's still very early for a saturday.. J feel so much that im like an outsider and he and his mum is in a rs. (i felt so too.) if it were to be last yr his mum does that, i.. can't say much. cus i meet him almost 75% a wk. now... i only meet him for 2days. that's all. and it's pretty unfair isn't?
he care towards me had change. he still bother about me. but. it's no longer how i feel at times. it've turn into.. why i haven been going school on time. why can't i sleep a normal human hrs. why hvn i been asking my lects if im lost with my work.
GAH! ):
ok.i think it's time for me to wake JX up and go study liao!
THIS IS YUUKI (:
with sophia heels.
so gay!
oh ya did i mention he's flying back to japan next wk? for his op. sheesh!
met up with jason for dinner as i slept throughout the whole noon. we finished a bottle of rose wineeee! (::
headed home after that.
:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:
i felt that somethings once it change it could never be the same anymore. just like us.
I know, im mean. it's all the cause of me, myself and i. i cant be unselfish. looking ahead, i dont see him. in front of me, i see nothing. no person. jus a empty perfect landscape.
told sophia everything like really everything from the start and yes, i feel better. but still it didn't change my decision. it's like we been thru the same thing. it almost felt as though the same. just character different and the story line is bit of different this time as well. that all.
couldn't believe that some people just think so highly of themslf and nonstop doing the thing i hate most despite me warning so much time. now jolly well dont come msg me. you are very irritating. din't you know urslf, just look after urslf and will do. stop trying to poke into others business and try to act as if u are someone but u are actually a nobody to speak or comment about the things. it just pissed people off. thank you. and this, hereby, i del you off from my fb to stop all those nonsense stalked like behavior and those nonsense you comment on my post. and i jolly well block you frm msn. u are sure irritating did anyone tell you that? (=
