first time ever i see a doc due to sprain of leg.//
-________-"
and the doctor actually laugh at me. hurhurhur.
----
so, today, while i was surfing the net while resting my foot, i saw this website dealing with clay hands and feet. and i tried searching if they are hiring. but sadly not. they're new in the inds. was so interested that i felt like droping them a mail. which i actually tried to think of how to put it in the mail that im very interested in joining the company. but not long enough i decided to trash the idea away. cause, why would they hire me? ):
its seems stupid to get a design cert and do such stuff isn't? ): frankly speaking. i like crafts more then design actually. i could spend the entire day slowly cutting craft material when i was still in school whereas, when it comes to design i couldn't stand it more then few hours.
some people might say im lazy. but hey, im not just that probably, i lost my passion after entering foundation in lasalle. why don't they have just a course for craft? i think i'd excel in it. HAHA//
so i've been a bummer eversince i graduated i did search for jobs but the pay was relatively low for a degree holder. i felt so demoralized. anyway, my bitch as asked me to go with her to the interview at SIA a month ago. and i actually get to know this cabin steward who gave me his name card while we was talking in NANA. socializing is never hard for me =/ it's always politics that gets me.
i told samantha that i don't wan to. but she was like still asking me few days back. so today i decided why not since i haven't got a job and my application to moe hadn't got any replies since nie has closed the application. ite takes years to reply, that what i heard from my previous lecturers. i wonder if i could get in how funny it would be being colleague.
so what ever job it is. i'm gonna give it a go as long they pay is acceptable. and not. 1k+ for a frigging degree holder. and my 1k+ meant 1.6k
RWAAAARRR//
things haven't been good lately. i read and heard alot about it therefore, superstitiously (not that i really believe) i feel that this year 7th month there's a need for me to do sth about it. cause recently i am really having nightmares way too often about stuff regarding it.
what if everyone were to have a chance to go back to where we once were.. would we still choose the path that landed us to where we are? or would we choose a unknown path instead?
Seeing friends going thru what i once was, is heart-aching. really. it's just a... maybe... 30 min process. but a sin in our lives that could never be forgiven, even the bible stated that
"For God so love the world that he give his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. whoever believes in him is not condemn, but whoever does not believes stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God's one and only Son." John 3:16-18
but it's a unknown fate that is being taken away. helplessly. some may get over it as though it never happen. but. it did.
Envy the guys. just because there's gender difference and that, only girls would go thru such agony. guys, can just simply forget about it and continue with the upcoming chapters.
We had one but you didnt even least shown that you even want any. Now you had the urge...
Guess it probably someone just manage to change ur mind while i could never had. While i am going thru "this" alone you are probably happily thinking about a future with ur whosoever.
My head is terrible causing me unnecessary problems for the past week. Going to clinic is like... Going for groceries. ( *｀ω´) angryyy.
Hate taking meds but have no choice. Datelines are all so pack.. And my studio work is not really processing. Bla!
//
I had a dream that woke me up with sweats... It have been quite some time since i dreamt of it... //
( ´Д`)y━･~~
Whyyiiee????
Rather traumatize by the nightmare.
Am i the only one who dreamt of it??
-----
I really have an issue with not posting after writing...//
Anyway, saw one of his tweet when i read tweet line. Few days back. And it wrote sth like gd or bad is a choice to the path whoever he is saying. ( T へT)
Actually. I silently hope that he is saying me. But, how could it be?
(´･_･`)
Hmmm they told me, you are following me. -.- i am really wondering is it true or not. GAH!
sometime back this year i went for a f.telling thing for fun. And they told me defiantly first will be a boy. Since i went for fun, i didn't take it to heart.
Recently things havent been going smoothly like how it should have been, again, we went to f.telling again this time was with name and birthdate. And there it goes freaking yt up. When that guy say, he saw him coming in with us. -.- wtf. I am sorta reluctant to believe but it's like you cant totally don't believe sorta thing but cannot believe as well.
why must everything crash down on me. just me? just what have i done to deserve all this? I haven't been really knowing what am i doing ever since that very day. fml.
i think most people are still in a shock now. considering the fact they though i would never have done it that way. but.. i have no choice like i said with my situation at that period of time.
now, everything is over.
i think headache has been getting worst. and i think i am almost finishing up the panadols that i bought in genting that day. 12 tab how can one person finish in just 4 days. took quite a few tab of panadol during the trip without letting him notice. cause my head really hurts.
i think wins must be still in a shock from what i've told him. cause he didn't reply my message yet. my ai ai is oso shock with me and she says im walking her old footstep. i admit im.
screw my life hard.
it was never right from the start.
back in sg. the weather is jus so nice for me to break down while i walked home updating sophia what has happened. and as for those previous post. was written on the spot while im still there.
you shattered my heart into million pieces.
you lied to me saying u have didn't like anyone. then whats about the yizhen?
you push every possible fault to me but have you not done any?
you are my deepest sin i ever made. that kill a lil life.
you are the one that make me no longer trust.
you are the one, i hurt not the most.
you are the one, i choose to give up everything.
you are the one who make me cry like there's no tomorrow.
you are also the one. who. i'll never forget for life.
the one. i made alot of affort yet end of the day, you blamed me for everything and told me, i could push all the blame to you. contradicting. talked abt rs yet tell me not to.
gd bye humanity.
gd bye.
"we fall in love in a hopeless place." - sophia's fav. yet now. a reminder for me. ever ever fall for someone. anymore. cus it would lead us to a HOPELESS PLACE.
when i told belle i screwed up everything. and she told me, you were lidat when u was lil. ps. she reminded me. i always think that people will change. always do. but. you are the 3rd to prove me wrong. when we was a kid. we played. i believed. everyone would. i wouldn't say i didn't smash any heart. indeed i smashed alot. maybe more then you do. but. people do change.
for the better never the worst.
"like father like son"
"brothers reflected on you"
"behavior is the prove of everything"
am still feeling shock from what he told me during the noon. first thing came across my mind. i texted belle. i was too shock to react from everything. second thing was. another of our common friend. allen. one of my customer. who was her friend. i don't have his num. therefore. i tried finding him in fb. since he's always at central. so... just coincidently, a pr manager tagg a photo of him. i pm him in fb. but. sadly. no response from him yet.
I only saw her twice. twice. and the second was so recent. i knew sth wasnt right cause. it's weird when a "stranger" almost... called you out to drink.. even though it's at my work place. i wanted to talk to her more that day. just that... she got drunk before i could talk to her. as that day.. my shots weren't going anywhere.
):
i do feel sad. worst is when he told me he felt guilty. as he felt he could have stop her.. i told him, it's not his fault.. i felt that if a person have the thoughts of suicidal, nothing could stop. maybe days. but not months.
he wanted me to promise him not to do anything foolish. i could feel that he still care for me. but. those who know me. really know me. will know. i've already promised gina lotsa times yrs back. for those who didn't know. I used to have a step sister who committed suicide when i was young. she left a day. before. my. birthday. a wk before she committed suicide, we still played as normal and she told me to take care of myself. gina was the one who know tons about me. the one totally understands me other then yiting and samuel. i told yiting about it. and she told me to go to her wake. which i am still hesitating about it.
actually since last night i have the worst night and i have been feeling weird all day. as though knowing sth would have happen. but. dun know what. thinking that i think too much. therefore i drank till almost dead. sheena came down and she saw me in a pose. awfully funny. -________-!!! she ask me go into the staff and rest.. but... i ran home instead.
and, this time i really dreamt of him. every since moment we had. flashback all the promises and everything. all came back. plus _________. i dreamt of her. us. and how amazing would it be... if i didn't decided to ______________.
T~T i cried even though i am not close to her. nor even know her that well to shed a tear. ):
in that dream, things wasn't very pleasant, B says sth like why did i wanna abandon her.. so did he.. but dreams are opposite right?
feeling sorry for making that harsh decision. cause i have no other choice. cant afford it's an excuse actually cause, yt, told me to think very very carefully last yr.. he didn't stop me either. neither he says he wants. he told me what his friend thinks. and likewise that wad i felt as well.. therefore.. sighh.
im feeling so exhausted. from work, assignments and life. i cant believe, i actually worked 1 yr in the so complicated life. yes a yr in exact it's almost when D8 starts. yest rachel and i was saying so far the best is still D8. seriously i agree. although the politics there are alot but everyone is happy. now. althogh there's no polictics between sg dancers, be it aura , central or avatar, dont' know why. i felt that everything is in a mess. people that's in charge are nice. but. sth is different. maybe the crowd, isn't as fun anymore. just like clubbing. im sick of it. so sick of it. haven't step into one for... almost 3 mths. the last was before samantha went HZ. this wk is patricial birthday, im still wondering should i work or should i go?
wondering how is he doing. the last time we chatted was 2 days back. but a quick one. he wassapped me. but.. my wassapp has prob and couldn't send out. i got so pissed off but in the same time im feeling unwell. i went to bed and that's it. i fall asleep till the next day.
having wassapp was regretful. i rather sms. just that almost alot of incharge they uses wassapp, so.. to make their life easier, i buy and dl wassapp.
sometimes seriously, some friends are redundant. not that i wanna say. but open your eyes and look. yes. we should never ask for any returns. but at least that person should think of ur stand before asking you for help. if it's yourslf who agreed, you can't blame others. but.. if, you are not the one who suggested but she, ask for it. and then when u say you can't, she gives and attitude, that when you should know... this person belongs to nothing in ur life.
im enduring i need a get away soon.
next month pls come fast. thinking of that. im so dead. i kept spending nonstop because pay isn't being bank in but we had in it cash. GAH!! ):
im getting sick of nightlife. everytime same people. the same familar faces. cui.
they see me i see them. very sick of it.
i don't wan to see,
don't wan to hear,
don't wan to know,
don't wan to remember.
let me have amnesia. pls
created another character. i called it Hope. this is the second character i created. but 3rd name i gave.
first was faith, was created during ite days for character design using illustrator.
second was not sth i created, but sth we created, i name it regrets. no picture no nothing jus pure memories. people who know will know, people who don't know will never know.
third was Hope.
FAITH. REGRETS.HOPE. feel so much like my life, i need some hope. i need something that shine thru before i fall.
samantha asked me this morning what will be the next called, when i told her i name this character Hope, I told her maybe sunshine? but deep down, im thinking what would i be going thru when i create the next character.
deep down, it still hurts.
This is my third child.
I'm Jenny, i have so much faith, but one day, i failed to have faith and i regret, now that i regret i need some hope.
sound smooth uh? i did not though of it till i wrote this post.
kept trying to rush my assignment. WIP set up is this wed. wish me luck! i've been going back to school even on saturday and sunday ):
recently have been thinking, what is been happening to me? those bruises that appear nonstop. even my abdomen has it as well, was wondering, was "it" that cause it? ):
those few days, after we know about it, those care he shown so much care... no moreee...it is gone too... sigh...
this is the lion that i found in my bag the next day. GAH!
i need an escape really.
my eyes are puffy dunno like wad shit.
seeing everyone so sad is breaking my heart as well.
i wanted to help,
but i can't help myself,
i don't know how to help them.
when all i could think of now,
was those regrets.
those nightmares didn't stop.
the tragic past of mine,
and some memories,
are haunting me.
im very tired. very tired of life.
she says love is just a temporary thing.
so, tell me why ain't it leaving but staying put instead. T-T
i told her i'd rather be in her shoes, so i still had the chance to do some changes,
while she told me, she rather be in mine.
seek and you will receive..? it's bullshit.
im tired of believing.
tired from love
tired of my life.
tired of everything that's happening.
i wanna leave, and never come back. can i?
Been feeling very down lately. due to all the events happening around me. i don't know where am i heading anymore. i lost the light that used to be mine. am not looking forward to anything anymore. this torture for myslf is bad. haven been eating for days, cus i jus lose appetite. I don't wan to let anyone worry as well. but i can't help myslf either. this is second time in my life i lose appetite.. first was 5 years ago. that time i was better, i still could force myslf to eat a meal at least... this time, i haven been eating for days, totally. i know, jie would have killed me if she knows it. but.. i really had no appetite. im sorry.
recently, alot of flashback keep coming back to me. those days (5 yrs back) that was like living hell. recently i would wake up when i just started to doze off. and suddenly the tot of him jus make me cry when he passed by my mind. esp when i dreamt of that day. counting 1, 2, 3..... while he was waiting for me downstairs.
everyone is here for a purpose isn't? recently, i kept wondering, what's my purpose here. why am i the one who had to face all these? alot of stuff, i've been keeping within me. for the longest time i could rem, and no one had know.
jus now, when he asked, what horrid night mares i had i wanted to tell him badly, but... i really just don't know how to.
they said in order for you to love one, you had to first love yourself.
i don't know how true is that. maybe that's why i couldn't never met someone that is so dear like him. sometimes i regret typing out that message on my phone that very night, that happiness from his face and that wide smile of his. maybe if i had never type that msg until im really ready, it wouldn't ended in this state.
he says he isn't ready for any rs. some how it almost felt as though he's telling me it's never possible for us anymore. cus the hurt i cause, after he heals, he wouldn't even have the tot of having me back. as he would feel that, i might still be that way. ): idk. i just felt that way.
somewhat i hope, we are possible to exchange life.. if its really possible i'll give mine in exchange for it instead.
i know he doesn't read this space anymore.
i doesn't wanna stress him either, as said he felt stress from me.
but i really really need that comfort from him, as one one could ever comfort me regarding that matter.
i don't know what to do now.
telling myself not to but again and again... and... ended, im doing it once again.. Is what happen when i doesn't get what i want? i suppose. im not sure of it either.. i wanted to be happy for you. but. im selfish as well. Tell me how should i feel when you are doing very fine without me? when now, my days are as though living in hell? maybe that's karma.. T.T
had planned to make something ever since mid sept. been trying to squeeze time out and finish it. but this emotional ride is making me doing an opposite effect. instead of cutting actuarially like i always.. i cut my fingers accidentally, again and again.. seeing blood oozing out is a common scene for me. ever since i start doing what i've planned to.//
but when i manage to have courage to ask him about next week, he already pack himself with every possible program. and i felt so helpless. i tot, he wouldn't do it on his actual day, cus i tot it would feel so hard. but... he did it. i don't know was that considered as moved on or what. but.. i could only had those tears that have been fallen to fall once again. it felt so hard that, i felt that i stop breathing for a moment, then cutting myself came into my mind. i recalled what he told me numerous of time "it's too late" it just make me wondered to myself again, how late was late? how would you weight late?
Teach me how to breath, someone.
but. i don't want to talk about it to anyone. you people know nothing. don't comment to make things feel even worst for me. suffocation is the only word that i could think of now. it's slowly taking me away. little by little. bit by bit. //
I know i always look strong. but. please im also a human.
i've my emotions too. really, who could be strong always.
alot of times, i couldn't control my tears anymore that,
i felt that i would go blind, from breaking down that often.
the damage i'm been doing to it was too much.
you are so much stronger then im,
way much stronger then me.
):
if one day, i really leave.. leave this place...
i hope that you would know..
you and "it" would be the only regrets i had.
this is the first time, no one could help me deal with all the emotions im going thru.
not even myself could. anymore. //
knowing you was like another miracle being with you was the most wonderful thing that happen having you. was sth i could no longer asked for more. getting rid. was no choice. leaving was an impulsive decision. do you understand how i felt? when the word "it's too late" fall and crash me intensely..
